The world may never see the sex video allegedly starring Jennifer Lopez, but you knew that porn would make sure we poked fun at it. Jewel De'Nyle plays the lead in this movie, playing the lead role in this not so true story. It's a mockumentary about a porn star looking to cross over into mainstream. Director Jerome Tanner asks the big questions. Can she rise above the stereotypes about women who fuck on film for money? Can she cross over as a hip-hop star and box office bigwig? Did she ever blow Jim Carey? Where did she hide the gun that night in the nightclub? Can a big ass and marginal talent really make someone a multi-millionaire.

The movie opens as a biography of America's sweetheart, Jade Lo. Though she is caught in a violent war between rap moguls, Jade beloved from coast to coast. Early scenes are pretty funny, poking fun at overwrought bio-pieces (Ripe for a ripping), porn star cross overs and my favorite brain dead cunt, Julia Roberts. Jade turns down sleazy producer Dillon Day, but is quickly replaced by Bridgette Kerkove. Bridgette knows the score and isn't afraid to use the skills she has perfected in porn, to land a mainstream role. Once she slicks up his dick with her mouth, Dillon slides it between her big boobs. Taking the position familiar to just about every Hollywood starlet, she spreads her legs on his desk and lets him play with her asshole. I'm sure she isn't the first girl he has ever bent over that desk and fucked like a two dollar whore. Giving something special, Bridgette bangs her own ass with a big fat dildo as Dillon finishes with her pussy. Like a good starlet, she takes cum on her face and cleans it off his cock.

Jade returns to porn, but only takes non-sex roles to show off her acting skills. We get a hilarious scene with Jewel and Gwen Summers lampooning "Anaconda." After Jade makes her dramatic exit, Gwen has to befriend a horny native who doesn't speak English. No problem, this is a porn and all men respond to a giggling cutie on her knees. As always, Gwen looks great teasing and kissing a big cock. Once he understands her message, the dude is happy to get down and lick Gwen's little cunnie. He happily lies back while she slides up and down on his cock. (A condom? On a Brazilian tribal man in the Amazon? Is this supposed to be a Vivid movie?) It looks like all Gwen needed to make her forget the loss of her friend is a big hard dick in her pussy. She's bent over and clawing at the trees while this guy slam fucks her half into a coma. He finishes her off with a great big load on her face. Nice scene from Gwen, who always knows just what we want to see.

When Jade doesn't collect the AVN award she wanted, (Didn't blow the right guy perhaps?) she turns to drugs and alcohol. When that leaves her empty, she turns to anti-porn crusaders and finally a TV Talk Show host. (Hey wrong Jade.) Joel Lawrence plays the TV star with the hidden camera, but all we really get from him in this scene is a big hard dick. Obviously her time away from porn didn't cause her oral skills to get rusty. Jade handles that big dick with her mouth until she's ready to let him juice up her slit then take it for a test drive. Nice job of cock riding by the busty brunette. The way Joel is holding her ass open, you know he's going to bang that as well. (Naturally, you can't do a J-Lo parody movie without an awful lot of ass play.) Nice job taking that big cock in her ass, but the pop on the pussy thing is a bit anti-climactic.

Taking the money she made from selling the tape, Jade funds her own movie. It's a tribute to a Latina porn star/singing sensation. Again, the action focuses on her ass as Jewel performs in front of a crowd at a bar. When she finishes and takes a break, Nikita Denise gets busy with one of the boys in the band. (Dale DeBone) He slaps his cock against her lips before letting her take over. Nikita instantly takes it all the way to the root. Still dressed in her bar slut outfit, she gives a fine squatting blowjob to the lucky lickmaster. Dale stands her up, bends her over and shoves his cock right up her ass. No waiting around, he just goes right for the main event. When she gets on top, the anal action gets even more intense. Nikita certainly takes it in the ass well. The best footage comes when he's got her pinned to the stage, her feet back behind her ears for the really deep ass pounding. Capping the scene off, the hot little groupie gets back on her knees, holds open her mouth and takes a huge load on her face. Nikita is not afraid to get nasty and we love her for it.

Jade finally makes it big when she hooks up with Muff Daddy. This puts her in the middle of his shooting trail. How did he get off? Was it his money, or did his girlfriend blow the jury? With Chandler now playing Jade Lo, we get a reenactment. She goes right to the head juror and uses her mouth to make sure her man won't be taking it in the ass upstate. (And why are all prisons 'upstate' anyway?) With Chandler energetically fucking the head juror, it's no wonder they came up with a not guilty verdict. Nice squat fucking and we know she has to take it in the ass. Great shot as he holds her legs together, pushes them behind her head and takes full advantage of her exposed rosebud. Wearing a big load on her face, she asks who wants to be next.

I'm going to give this movie huge props, not because the sex is spectacular, but because it made me laugh. The sex isn't bad, but it's the feel of the movie that won me over. Porn sometimes takes itself way too seriously and I like this kind of throw back. Poking fun at porn, cross overs, E-style faux news, music, Hollywood, Julia Roberts, Jennifer Lopez and a few other sacred cows, this script cracked me up. It's not always that well acted, though Gwen Summers really does a nice job, but that could be intentional as well. Sexually, Gwen, Jewel and Nikita turn in really good scenes. That's just enough jerking off to go along with the laughter. It may not be the real J-Lo, but it will have to do for now.

Copyright © Roger T. Pipe

Posted By Roger, www.excaliburfilms.com | 12/11/06