Since I recently reviewed Watchers, I figured I would cover Dark Angels to get the best film and best video of 2000 covered. This movie took in a boatload of awards for director Nic Andrews and comes with a lot of hype, so I'll try not to let that sway my opinion. The big question is will I buy into the hype or punish Dark Angels because of it. Actually, that's not much of a question, I just don't do that. I'm more interested in whether or not Andrews can walk the fine line between plot and smut, between make up and gaping buttholes. Following the popular blend of horror and porn, Dark Angels takes us on a journey with Jewel De'Nyle into the world of the undead.

We open in an underground nightclub, with people dancing. In walks a mysterious brunette woman in a long leather coat. (Blade meets The Crow anyone?) She spies a guy she likes on the dance floor and takes him into the bathroom for a more intimate The sex gets points for style thanks to the quick cuts, interesting angles and the zipless fuck feel, but this tiny titted brunette doesn't do much for me. She gets bent over and fucked nicely in the tight confines of the stall. After dropping a load on her ass, the guy is in for a very unpleasant surprise that leaves him spraying blood all over the men's room.

Coming out of the club, the naughty vampire gets an earful from Sydnee Steele who is not at all pleased that one of her underlings would go out and spill blood in such a public place. After a good ass chewing, Syd needs to feed so she hits the street and is quickly picked up by Mike Horner. Again, the sex takes place in a very cramped space. This time, Mike's front seat serves as the setting for a very well shot blowjob. I know that vampires feed, but that's not all her mouth is good for. Taking things a little farther than your average street hooker might, she opens her legs for some pussy licking and very hard front seat boff. The close quarters make it tough to shoot the sex, so we get some awkward angles and a lot of close ups.

Jewel De'Nyle is just an innocent girl out for a late night ride. She runs out of gas and happens Sydnee in mid bite. Somehow, she manages to escape, but is now top on the vamps hit list. She goes to the cops and is naturally met with some resistance by lead detective Dillon Day. At home, Jewel tries to enjoy a nice hot bath, but keeps hearing sounds. Man, I hate it when the demons fuck up a perfectly good naked chick in a tub scene. In bed later, Jewel has a hot and nasty dream about Sydnee. Syd's outfit will get some fetish points and we know that Jewel is the innocent girl because of her white socks. I love the way Ms. De'Nyle can put her legs so far behind her heads, but that's about it. Dreamy veggie scenes with static filled TVs as backdrops and rainforest/whale echo music do nothing for me. The dream ends badly for Jewel, but for hard-core smut fans, this is already a nightmare.

Jewel wakes up with blood running down her leg and is barely able to dial 911. The doctors are unable to save Jewel, but our story doesn't end there. Down in the morgue, coroner Mickey G gets quite a shock when one of his stiffs starts kicking. Apparently being dead makes a woman horny because she nearly attacks him. Yeah Mickey, the first thing you should do when a body comes back to life is fuck it. Maybe he has developed a way to tell how long a body has been dead by the way the pussy tastes. (Dude, that is just too fucking sick.) You know, for a dead chick, Jewel sucks a pretty good dick. Nice eye contact from the babe who was named female Performer of the Year. Mickey leaves her on the gurney as he fucks her from behind. As the first boy/girl scene not shot in a cramped space, we get the best looking sex so far. Jewel also scores high energy points for nearly jumping up and down on his dick. Just seconds after he pulls out and shoots onto her belly, Mickey gets a taste of what a new vampire can do.

Word gets back to Dillon that his star witness is not dead, but that she walked out of the morgue. He drives over to her house. Inside, Jewel is quite busy playing with her pussy. When she finishes this short bit of self love, it's off to the streets she goes. With Dillon following, Jewel takes a cab downtown. She's being haunted by visions, but at this point, I'm more disturbed by how long it takes us to get to the next scene. I mean, come on, we get the point, do we have to follow her in real time? Finally Jewel makes it to Sydnee's lair where she confronts the head vampire. She's just in time for the big ritual. Two virgin chicks become lunch for Evan Stone and Erik Everhard. Unlike the earlier victims, these chicks spill blood then spread their legs. The sex that follows is filled with soft focus, slow motion and more of that music that only exists in couples porn. There are some decent looking shots, but the sex is about as hot as a fluorescent tube.

Dillon tries to move in to save the day, but guns are no match against vampires. Bad news for him and for us as well because that means another scene before the end of this movie. Basically this is a repeat of the first scene only in an alley instead of a men's room. No slo-mo makes it more strokeable than the last scene, but that's not saying much. At least Dillon doesn't get slashed as soon as he cums, allowing him to help close out the story.

The final fight scenes are fairly interesting. Evan does a nice little tap-dance on Dillon while Syd lectures Jewel about accepting her fate. It's not exactly Buffy A material, but it does lead the way to a very nice bit of make up on Sydnee. Of course, all the make up in the world can't change the fact that this movie goes on for nearly twenty minutes after the last sex scene is complete.

The fact that I was expecting a lot from this movie probably didn't help much, but I can't help but be disappointed by Dark Angels. Despite the mainstream sensibilities present in this movie, it misses the mark by a wide margin. We've seen vampire porn before and everything that ?Pornogothic' did right is missing from this flick. The story is simplistic, which wouldn't be terrible if the sex was well done. Jewel De'Nyle and Sydnee Steele to a decent job with the dialog and provide all of the sexual highlights. Their scenes work, but none of the others provide much at all. I like the fact that some of the scenes take place in cramped quarters, but they don't always make for the most strokeable porn. To make matters worse, there are huge chunks of the movie without even the lackluster sex scenes. If you're going to go fifteen minutes in a porn without people fucking, there better be a damn good reason and there just isn't in this movie.

Copyright © Roger T. Pipe

Posted By Roger, www.excaliburfilms.com | 12/8/06