Roger's Rating:

Last year, Lizzy Borden released "Fossil Fuckers" and I found it to be the least erotic video I have ever seen. Stop and let that sink in. Ever. Out of the ten thousand or so porn movies I watched in my life, this one stands out as the lest erotic. That alone is an accomplishment and it easily won FF 1 the title of Worst Video of the Year by a landslide. In defense of the movie, it made no effort to be hot. Sure it was well shot and all the lights were in the right place, but there was no effort to make a hot porno. There is no reason to think that FF 2 will be any different. The cast is still filled with the oldest women Lizzy could find. Not only that, but these aren't even good looking old women. Every effort is made to make them look like complete hell. Add to that, the idea that such women should be forced to fuck and suck one last time before being killed and you have the makings for another award winning movie from Borden and a sure hit with the AARP. I think that my friend Adrian summed this movie up best. He called me in the middle of it and when I told him what I was doing, she said in a dejected voice, "I feel sorry for you man." When someone feels sorry for a porn reviewer, then you know that the movie has to be some serious sludge.

We start with Blue Iris and Dick Nasty. They are wearing matching blue wigs. Oh don't wince just yet, it gets worse. Blue slurs her words like she is drunk, developmentally disabled (retarded for those who have never worked in the field) or a stroke victim. Hats off for Dick who manages to get hard with that blue wigged freak sucking his dick like some geriatric prom date bobbing in the front seat. Watching her ride reverse cowgirl is more frightening than I can describe. Iris' tits hand down to the point where they look like just another flap of belly fat above her worn out twat. Lizzy encourages her to talk dirty which doesn't help the situation at all. I would guess that Iris has been choking down the cancer sticks for at least five decades. It takes Dick forever to cum (or maybe it just seems that way) so they end up doing a fake shot. Hey, at least no one gets tossed into a grave at the end of this scene so the only thing dead is my desire to have sexy for a while.

Dallas isn't nearly as old, but is still scary enough to make me want to run away. She comes out singing a little song to the poor guy before sucking his cock. After the uneventful blowjob, she is bent over and takes his little dick from behind. The sex in the first FF movie was brutal and unwatchable. This scene isn't brutal, but it's no more strokeable because it's a couple of charismatically challenged people having lifeless sex. She takes his dick easily in her ass, but I wonder if she can even feel that little thing. He pulls out and shoots a load onto her face.

If you are looking for things to better, you might want to give up now. Emerson is a very skinny woman with small pancake tits and no hips to speak of. She poses for a while and then does a long and somewhat interesting interview. Once the interview is over, the interesting part is over. Veronica Caine shoots a "Fuck you Kid Vegas" to us and then Don Hollywood does a dance so fucking frightening that Mark Madsen just called me asked that Don never, EVERY does that again. She starts sucking Don's dick and I suppose if you held a gun to my head and said I had to pick the least disgusting chick in this movie, I would pick this woman. (Then again I might just invite you to pull the fucking trigger) Give Don some credit, because he manages to look like he's almost enjoying himself. (Not sure what it means that we can't say the same for Emerson as she rides him.) Smoking fans will enjoy watching her suck on a stogie as Don says something about putting her out of her misery. I wish Lizzy would put us all out of our misery and stop making these movies. Don can't pop soon enough to make me happy, but I know it's only going to get worse.

Anastasia Sands is pretty gross looking and putting a bib on her just doesn't change the fact that she looks like she could be my great grandma. (and she's been dead for nearly 20 years.) She sucks off two guys from inside a playpen. This might make it better for some people but all I see is a tired old hag sucking dick while the entire Extreme staff walks by wearing the same blue wig. By the time she gets cum on her wrinkled face I'm about ready to barf, so take that for what it's worth.

Before the final scene, Veronica and Lizzy talk a bit about FF 1 and the award they are holding. In spite the rumors, Lizzy didn't actually shove that pointy trophy up my ass. They do say that the movie sold over a million copies world wide. That just goes to show you what I know. I give a movie a trophy as the worst and look how successful it was. Of course, they don't tell anyone where that award came from. That said, this final scene is just too gross for words. On the phone, Lizzy says that Gigi is eight six years old. I don't know if she's that old but at some point it just doesn't matter. She sucks the guy off then bends over to take it from behind. Somehow the guy stays hard enough to shoot a load at her face. Is congratulations in order for getting through this mess and working up a decent load.

Is this as bad as Fossil Fuckers 1? Well, no seniors get raped and killed in this one, so it has that going for it. On the other hand, the women are every bit as hideous as in the last movie. This really is a fetish movie. You have to enjoy really, REALLY old women to even begin to get off by the action here. I can't really crack on it too much because it's not marketed as anything more than an oddity. Did I enjoy the two hours? Nope. Did I question my career choice? Hell yes. There isn't a single second of tape here that made me even considering anything in the neighborhood of sexual arousal. That's what earns this movie a zero. On the other hand, if you have a thing for wrinkled old women, then you can add this title to your must see list.

Copyright © Roger T. Pipe

Posted By Roger, www.excaliburfilms.com | 10/5/06 1:58 PM