From time to time I get emails from readers who wonder why I always seem to gravitate towards the kind of porn videos that I am likely to really enjoy. Some think that this sways my reviews so that I end up with more highly rated flicks than duds. What can I say? Guilty as charged. When I get a box of movies, I usually grab the ones that I think I'll enjoy watching. Sure, I will pick up a big release or take reader requests, but I'm only human. Still, it's rare for me to grab a movie that I really think I'm going to hate. Chalk this up as one of those rare occasions. Lizzy Borden's Fossil Fuckers is packed with chicks who are so old that Randy West calls them ma'am. Not only are they old, but it looks like this is one of those movies where the freak show factor requires that they also look like absolute hell. This isn't going to be an easy ride, but here we go.

Dave Hardman is having his dick sucked by "mommy" Candy Cooze. (His real mom shows up later.) As they fuck, Lizzy has spliced in quick audio bits of Davina Hardman saying things like "Fuck Turd Ferguson" "Piss on AVN" and "Fuck Young Muff." Normally I don't like this kind of stuff in the middle of the sex, but anything has to be better than counting the rolls between where Candy's tits were thirty years ago and the aged opening between her soft, pale thighs. I guess we should praise Dave for managing to keep his dick hard while sliding into this sloppy senior. Hearing him call her mommy just makes the bile rise a little higher with each stroke. Once Dave finally manages a popshot in her face, he chokes her to death. Yeah, isn't it about time for this movie to be over?

Diana Richards is resting in her hospital bed reading a horror novel. In come two masked men who want to have their way with her. She screams "This must be a nightmare." My dear, I believe you're right and if I'm lucky, the alarm will go off any minute. You know it's bad when low rent porn guys are so ashamed that they have to wear masks to hide their shame. They pound away on her as she cries out for help. It's not bad enough that we're more likely to count liver spots than jerk off, but this is a rape scene as well. Diana takes it in the ass from these guys who must have doubled up on their viagra today. Eventually Diana just figures she might as well enjoy her intruders. After they fuck her ass and shoot on her face, they toss her into a grave as well.

Nanette looks a whole lot younger than some of the other women in this movie. Hardman and Brian Surewood help he celebrate her birthday with a double does of cock. She's got a pretty good attitude, but it's just not enough to make this even remotely hot. Usually in a scene, you can pick out the long shots or the close ones and find something good to look at. Either a woman looks great from a distance, but shows signs of wear when you move tight, or she has some bad features that are hidden with close ups. Not so for Nanette. When you move in close you can see the soft flesh of her upper thighs. Pull back and you might get motion sickness from the tummy rolls and breasts. (From the right angle, her tits are in the tight shots of her pussy due to decades of gravity. All of a sudden Lizzy Borden comes in, kicks the guys out and starts fucking her with a strap on. (She's searing what looks like a biohazard suit.) Lizzy rips off her mask just long enough to spit on Nanette while slamming her with the fake cock. After she fucks her ass, Lizzy turns the action back over to the guys who shoot all over her face.

Rubee Tuesday is visiting her husband's grave. Two masked guys show up to rape her right in front of his tombstone. She's the least gross looking girl in the movie, but this set up is so depressing and anti-sex that it wouldn't much matter who the girl was. This kind of scene is something Lizzy does a lot and some people might dig it. I just want to find a way to speed up time so the whole thing can be over.

The only problem with that scene coming to a close is the fact that Davina Hardman is the last fossil to be fucked. She stands in front of the camera in a leopard skin bikini looking very much like Aunt Bea might have in Goober's nightmares. She is singing the Lord's prayer before two guys in masks come in and stick cocks in her mouth. Can I just go home now please? I'm sure Davina is a nice woman, but I really don't want to watch her suck dick. I certainly don't want to watch her sexually punished. Nor do I want to be punished by having to watch this. (There is a shot during the doggy that makes me see Roger Daltry's signature line in "My Generation" as absolute truth.)

It wasn't that long ago that Lizzy Borden became the only director in the history of my reviews to receive both a perfect 10 and a perfect 0 for their work. Now, if I'm not mistaken, she becomes the first to receive more than one 0 in her career. (Quick check and yes, she is the first, with two of the nine 0's awarded.) This movie is just pure freak show filth. The women are old, not good looking and that's really the point of the whole movie. Most of the sex is even uglier than the women, so some rape fans may like the themes. I don't think anyone is going to be shocked that I hated this movie. In fact, I think that's the whole point of a movie like this. Let's see just how fucked up we can be. You've done that Lizzy, now how about making a movie some of us can actually stroke to without needing years of therapy to explain it away.

Copyright © Roger T. Pipe

Posted By Roger, www.excaliburfilms.com | 12/11/06